| i spent the night losing sleep... |
[Sep. 22nd, 2004|01:03 pm] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | satisfied | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | laine's ticking clock | ] | pieces i'm performing for the mayhem cabaret on the 29th:
untitled
i can't always see your face cuz most of the time it's jaded and i can understand that; i too once thought life overrated but i still live it and breathe it and i wish you could say the same i take care of my body knowing it's needed for my soul to make it through this game and every moment spent closer to the ground means every moment meant more to me than had i just been lyin around and i've already seen it all through your shade of grey but it's green i thrive on baby so get the fuck outta my way! it's changes i'm here to make and rules i'm gonna break and being held down by your indecision is just fucking with my precision cuz i know what needs to be done for me and you're not part of the equation this time round you see... i've learned that mixed in with that state of okay are lies mingled with truths and it gets confusing along the way and that's why i've gotta clear my head of this shit and piss mellow way of nonaction you seem to be wrapped up in and all it is: is distraction! and you ain't gettin nothing done sitting there wishing it would make itself better cuz i've seen our climate and i don't trust the fuckin weather it's unpredictable baby and you've just gotta learn to move with it trust every inch of what is inside you and ignore all of that other shit stop questioning the feeling of: oh this just cannot be right and start questioning the practices of every politician corporation industry in sight cuz this planet ain't gonna survive unless we stand up and fight! and i've got no room in my politics for your apathy cuz if it keep on bein the way that it be we'll have nothing left in no time; you'll see and yeah i know that expression i've seen it before i've tasted your cynicism and i refuse to taste more besides that skepticism is just one big fuckin excuse to not help with the fight to not challenge their views to just give up hope and let them pave it all away to let the corporations win at the end of the day i'll say this once and i won't say it again: your fuckin apathy ain't gonna get us nowhere my friend.
mayhem
i was told by a voice much louder than my own that capitalism was a success and i was all alone in thinking that the key to evolving our existence was in words and actions also known as: resistance! and we're told from every angle that rioting is wrong that the government knows what's right so it's best to just stay calm and every bomb that is dropped falls for a damn good reason and has nothing to do with wether or not it happens to be voting season and words like "terrorism" and "chaos" are heard daily on the news a great place to get info if you want only one kind of persons point of views and the truth is watered down and twisted up to suit the needs of our so-called leaders rich white men who ought to be more accurately called liars and cheaters and anarchy is misrepresented as something akin to violent chaos but the reality is anarchy means ain't nobody can be your boss ain't nobody can tell you what to think feel or need ain't nobody has the right to dictate for whom you have to bleed and this mayhem they preach against saying: without government what would you do? you'd be dead within days! but we know that just ain't true and the prescription for a change in our current political climate can't be found in medication or fancy atkin diets it is found deep within that most sacred part of us a voice that knows what's right and how to shout and kick up a fuss a voice that grows louder with every crime against humanity a voice that's startin to scream: enough with this insanity! a voice that knows our freedom comes with no dollar sign a voice that constantly shouts: you ain't no prime minister of mine! a voice that knows that mayhem is the secret to our survival outragoues acts of rebellion are good at stickin it to our rival and so i urge you please to unleash your most rioting voice cuz the truth is it's got to a point where we no longer have the luxury of choice it's not a matter of what you are comfortable with expressing to our "rulers" it's a matter of survival beggars can't be choosers.
feedback and suggestions would rock my blue swirly socks.
history: last summer there was a child and youth care (cyc) conference held at uvic. it was attended by hundreds of people from all over and was meant to create inspiration and ideas for working with youth and children, as well as to create networking oppurtunities and educate folks on certain things they were unfamiliar with. a lot of us that attended were totally appalled at how unpoliticized the event was and how overly condescending it was towards the very children and youth we are currently trying to support and work with. a lot of the workshops were just the same old rhetoric and were void of inspiring the revolutionary change that (many of us feel) must occur in the cyc field in order for us to truly help. so the mayhem collective was formed out of this dissappointment - a group of radically minded revolutionary child and youth care workers who want change. the cyc conference this year is being held in alberta and the mayhem collective is intending to go to hold workshops, try to ignite some serious social change and create concious conversation. the mayhem cabaret is being put on to raise money to send the collective to alberta. mayhem! if you are in victoria and want to attend, feel free to e-mail me for more info... it's on the 29th around 8pm at little fernwood and it is sliding scale. (basically, give what you can afford - no one will be refused admittance based on monetary issues.) |
|
|
| i hear voices in the dark... |
[Sep. 18th, 2004|02:27 pm] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | i hear voices by tegan and sara | ] | problem: me and my two roommates (elana and laine) plan on going to vancouver today to party it up at lick tonight. thing is, our original plans fell through and now we don't have a place to sleep.
solution: hey, could we stay at your place?? |
|
|
| no destination not a cloud in the sky... |
[Aug. 30th, 2004|09:50 pm] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | worried | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | wicked and weird by buck 65 | ] | no, listen, what happened was this: they lied to you, sold you ideas of good & evil, gave you distrust of your body & shame for your prophethood of chaos, invented words of disgust for your molecular love, mesmerized you with inattention, bored you with civilization & all its usurious emotions. - hakim bey |
|
|
| you need a womyn to look after you... |
[Aug. 28th, 2004|08:26 pm] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | giddy | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | god by tori amos | ] | "you want to track each trickle back to its source and scream up the faucet 'til your face is hoarse 'cause you're surrounded by a world of things you just can't excuse..." - ani difranco
thankyou saguitargirl.
janine will be home from her place of employment soon and i shall rejoice. |
|
|
| what's it gonna take till my baby's alright... |
[Aug. 7th, 2004|01:41 pm] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | productive | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | pretty good year by tori amos | ] | i woke-up at 10am to my dog barking and my dad and neighbor moaning and groaning about transferring all my furniture from a van into a garage. eep. it is now official: i am without a place of my own. i am now entirely moved-out of the hippie house. was this supposed to feel any certain way? because i'm at a loss.
it's my mom's birthday... i'm excited. we're going out to supper together tonight and mom's dressed so nice and there is just general good feeling in the air. and then later tonight i'm meeting up with jolene... and so far we don't know what we are doing. potentially hanging-out with elana, potentially going to the bar, potentially going to a hippie house party. aw. it's no longer my party... just a hippie house party. huh. feels okay.
fuck. i never realized how having pets could seriously hinder the chances of getting a place to rent. every ad seems to say 'no pets' or 'cats ok'. and we have two dogs and a tarantula. gr. so... to those of you living in victoria... if you hear of any two bedroom place anywhere that allows pets and is renting, please let me know. i wanna be outta here by september 1st and settling into a place of my own. goddess permitting.
another message to those living in victoria: yoga for the queer community is happening on august 15th at 1:30pm. the address is #500-3 fan tan alley. it's $5-$15, depending on what you can afford... yay! |
|
|
| it feels like i am home... |
[Aug. 6th, 2004|03:00 pm] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | when i see you by bitch and animal | ] | today has been slow and aching since i'm on my moon cycle and that always seems just to hit me up so hard. but i've given myself this day as a gift and i am still in my pyjamas and it's already after 3 o'clock. ah.
it has just been pouring down rain today and i adore it. i woke-up this morning and smiled and then just drifted back to sleep listening to it slap the roof... i fucking love that sound. falling asleep listening to rain is a treasure. bridget called me complaining about how her peacock mohawk had melted in the downpour. what an image...
tomorrow is my mum's 52nd birthday. i got her this really nice card that is just the sort of thing i know she will love; handmade paper and all. i also brought home some rocks from the farm she grew up on. it was our last time being there this year since her parent's have sold it and it is now officially out of the family. i think she'll like the stones... they're soft and smooth and good worry stones or grounding stones. i also bought her this little ladybug magnet from a craft store... get this, everything in the store was made by resident's of a nursing home. my mom used to work at a nursing home and she loves ladybugs, so huzzah. i also collected a whole bunch of sea glass for her, since that is one of our rituals - walking a beach and collecting sea glass. also, she's got this new project going, framing this big mirror of hers with sea glass and so she wants a lot. that's the way i give gifts, and honestly i find it more meaningful - i spent barely any cash but took time to search out meaningful items. those are my favorite sorts of gifts. my mom is so cute. i can't wait to see her expression! me and dad and tess are taking her out to dinner tomorrow night and then we're going to the art gallery. i'm looking forward to it. i'm so lucky to have a mom that's also a best friend... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2004|08:25 pm] |
piece i wrote last night. you are the first to read it. (keep in mind it's slam, so to me it is so radically different coming out of my mouth than being quietly read from a page...)
the facts aren't anything you can deny.
history has come and gone and/ still this oppression marches on and/ still each womyn is forced to fight/ for the safety to walk alone at night and/ still each womyn must decide/ between her choice or to be ostracized and/ still we are payed less for the same amount of skill and/ still we are coerced into taking pill after pill after pill and/ still each womyn is continually defined as an object of pleasure and/
these facts aren't anything you can deny.
and/ the statistics have skyrocketed and/ rape is considered the guilt of the provocative and/ pills are the solution for radicals and/ every womyn's body is run by one male fanatical and/ of murder womyn are 70% of those who die and/
these facts aren't anything you can deny.
and/ those most often left battered and bruised/ are those with the cunts for which they are used and/ the most extreme conditions of poverty/ are lived in by womyn with no way to flee and/ definitions of beauty are shoved down our throats/ until we're forced to puke them back up and follow that with gloats/ of how pretty we are/ until that is of starvation we die and/
these facts aren't anything you can deny.
and/ still she's in prison because her husband is dead/ because he continually beat her and she finally gave him back a blow to the head and/ for years she has been sitting doing her time/ a disproportionate amount for her supposed crime and/ husbands whose wives were left dead at their hands/ have significantly shorter sentences thanks to bein a man and/ on this fucked-up system womyn are forced to rely and/
these facts aren't anything you can deny.
and/ the chances of being sexually abused/ are one in three that is if you are a womyn/ or if you happen to be me and/ the little girls that are taught "honey this kind of touch is okay" by their fathers/ those numbers are growing everyday and/ those womyn left growing babies after the sex is done/ risk being blown up if they happen to not want one and/ because she had a dick she was murdered for "living a lie" and/
these facts aren't anything you can dare to deny. |
|
|
| wake up baby you're so totally deluded... |
[Aug. 5th, 2004|06:43 pm] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | good luck by basement jaxx | ] | mm. i'm tired. this week has been monumentally busy and it's not getting any less so. but this weekend is all busy with great stuff so i cannot complain...
(i fucking love this song.)
i'm going to mellow out and hopefully talk to maggie tonight and just do some vegging. my brain is functioning on autopilot.
"no thing i do don't do no thing but bring me more to do..." - fiona apple
damn fiona, i can relate.
those of you at vancouver pride, did you enjoy yourselves? didja see my nearly naked tits? blue electric tape rocks socks. *wink* i encourage all folks to embrace nudity and get naked more often. hell yeah. |
|
|
| you hold me hard you love me good... |
[Jul. 29th, 2004|07:26 pm] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | satisfied | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | in the rain by skarlet o'hara | ] | well. today was good stuff. elana and i went out for booster juice smoothies and got 'em free because jasmin was working. free smoothies always taste better. then as we were driving we passed by toys r us and i mentioned i hadn't been there in a long time... so of course that's where we went. we chilled in a kiddie pool for a while and then in a little tent and then found huge stuffed animals. elana decided it would be hilarious to try to shoplift a stuffed bear nearly the same size as her. we tried shoving it in her shirt (which, technically, is my shirt. she does that. shows up at my house wearing my clothes and says 'oh yeah, huh.') and then pretending like it was a boa to drape over her shoulders. didn't work. we rode around on kiddie bikes and scooters... and then we found huge unicorn stuffed animals. oh yes. so we had to sit on them and scoot them around... elana tried to ride one out of the store."what!? i rode in on this!" didn't work.
i'm calling maggie in half an hour. <3
i've been going through all the stuff stored on my computer... and all the poems and pieces i've written... i'm posting one. it's called 'perspective'... and is about the perspective a lot of womyn adopt after being raped.
i'm sorry for the blood left on your floor my fingertip stains showing the way i was forced to trace my way back to the door... i’m sorry my screams didn’t suffice i couldn’t form the syllable no i was always taught to be polite… i’m sorry i can’t bend the way you break i can’t change histories definitions of what it means to be your date… and i’m sorry your daddy never taught you how to cry never made you leave the room when he fucked your mama dry never taught you of the ways in which to silence the screams inside… i’m sorry you feel responsible for something so out of your hands i mean look at my language look at my clothes i was asking for reprimand i was asking for a smoldering breath so unlike my own to be forced upon my open throat covering up any moan that might seep out might influence you into thinking that this exchange is something less than noble is something riddled with shame… and i’m sorry i pushed you to this edge i understand you had to do it had to have something to tell your friends… i understand the way you kiss goodbye with remorse i understand it’s my fault for resisting, for not letting the night take it’s course... i’m sorry i couldn’t keep myself out of harm’s way after all it’s my responsibility where i’m walking at this time of day… and i’m sorry that all i can do is apologize let blood seep through my clothes and tears blur my eyes let pain register in a part of me that until this moment was still alive...
you see
i’m sorry is the only way i’ve been brought up to be i’m sorry are the only words i can use to define me i’m sorry is all womyn in this society can say i’m sorry for the rape i know i caused today. |
|
|
| all i have to give this world is me... |
[Jul. 28th, 2004|07:05 pm] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | just me by tegan and sara | ] | my head is messy.
i bought a book today at the salvation army for 60 cents. it's called 'lesbians talk left politics' by kristina studzinski.
i went to green cuisine and had the most delicious vegan strawberry milkshake. i wish i could have shared it with you. i also saw a good graffitti sticker in the washroom that said 'buy less, live more'. do it.
"lesbian politics is the fight towards the equal, visible, vocal presence of lesbians in society." -Cherry Smyth |
|
|
| i wonder i wonder what she's thinking of... |
[Jul. 27th, 2004|11:54 am] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | artistic | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | alone and forsaken by neko case | ] | awesome.
highlights of yesterday:
1) first of all, some background. i live in a hippie mansion. i have six roommates. i have decided to move out. the house is great and the people are great and i fully love the six months i lived there and all the experience and knowledge i gained, but it's time to move on. a list of reasons why i feel it's time for me to move out: -it is so disgustingly dirty. i am doing a photo essay on this fact. -i am allergic to kamaria (the cat). -kayo is a jerk (one of my roommates). -i am tired of the sexist literature strewn all over the house. fucking maxim. -another of my roommates is a very pupolar weed dealer, and his customers show up at all hours. there is, on average, at least 30 people that visit our house daily. -my dog can't visit me at the house because the chances of him ingesting some narcotics left on our floor are very very high. -i would like to have a closet. -i would also like a home with a front door that actually locks. -i would also like a home in which i have fridge space. -it's a bit difficult sharing one main bathroom amongst seven people. plus partners and guests. -and, lastly, unnecessary drama sucks. but i am really going to miss all my roommates because i have shared some amazing times with them and they are radical people to live with. but of course, as is the way with our house, since i lived there once, i am an honourary roommate. and i'm sure i'll be hanging-out there a plenty with everyone and the other honourary roommates like jess and kraig and paul etc. good times. but on to the good news... i've barely started a search for a new home, i'm going to stay at my parent's place for the month of august and hopefully find something for september... but then yesterday elana calls and i mention to her i'm moving out and she says "move in with me." and i say "okay." and it turns out she's moving into an all organic vegetarian hippie house... there is one other grrl living there, and then her, and me makes three. three veghead grrls living in a clean house. and the landlord is some radical hippie that lives in the basement. so... as you can imagine that made me pretty damn happy. she's moving in august 1st and i'm going to meet the landlord and check the place out that day too. ooh hoorah. *big smiles*
2)my friend ty just recently moved out of victoria and wound up giving away a lot of stuff she felt unnecessary to lug along with her... including a huge garbage bag full of all her crafty supplies! so yesterday me and scooter went through the bag and i found some great material and lots of yarn and other cool stuff. it's funny; my dog plays with yarn like a cat. he made a huge adorable mess. i took a picture.
3)i got to see sylvia. it made me so happy! she was a little skittish when i tried to pick her up so i just didn't... it's been nearly a month since she's been handled, so it might take her a bit to get used to it again... so i just gave her water and chatted with her and smiled lots.
4)i had chinese food with my parents. mm veggie chow mein... |
|
|
| the girl gets higher the roof's on fire... |
[Jul. 26th, 2004|12:12 pm] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | lazy | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | fire by ladytron | ] | i went into downtown victoria for the first time in nearly a month yesterday. and, of course, as soon as i get down there something really weird has to happen to me. i was waiting for bridget, sitting at her bus stop totally in my own world writing in my journal. this guy comes and sits on the same bench as me... i glance up, acknowledge his exsistence, and continue scribbling away.
guy: you are very beautiful, y'know.
me: (monotone) thanks.
guy: (moving closer) my name's gary.
me: (silence and scutinizing eye glare) i'm chelsea.
i go to shake gary's hand; he kisses mine.
me: (incredulous eyebrow raising and shifting away)
gary: so i bet a lot of boys are after you.
me: i wouldn't know. i'm a lesbian.
gary: yeah, but i'm sure you could still have use for adoring male slaves.
me: no.
gary: really? most girls would love to have a man to dominate and boss around and tell what to do. i love being a slave to a beautiful queen.
me: huh.
gary: i was with my last queen for eight months. now i'm looking for a new one. do you want a slave?
me: no.
gary: you don't want someone to buy you nice clothes and clean your house and feed you?
me: i have no use for that.
gary: i love to be dominated. do you know any spoiled girls i could be a slave to?
me: no, i don't know any womyn like that. you're going to have to look elsewhere.
gary: oh well, i never know where i will find my next queen... good luck to you.
and then he walked away.
bridget showed up shortly thereafter. she really does look like a peacock! she's got this great mohawk that's striped pink, grean, light blue, dark blue, lavender and purple... it's rad. we went for a walk along the inner harbour and i felt at home. we sat in the grass and watched the world bustle by... it was lovely. i then came home and watched an hour of the discovery channel (it's shark week!) and talked to maggie until i feel asleep. ahh. nice day. |
|
|
| how could i be so... |
[Jul. 24th, 2004|10:55 pm] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | impressed | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | immature by bjork | ] | wow. today has been just lovely.
i made some really tasty guacamole for supper tonight to go with my bbqed veggie dogs. that was awesome. mm. i heart avocadoes.
so maggie called today!! hoorah for you maggie. it was so marvelous hearing her voice and just talking and talking and talking with no inhibitions. i don't particularly like talking on the phone, but since there is no oppurtunity to speak eye to eye, the telephone deal is growing on me... also since i seem to be in a bit of a hermiting stage. very few people know i am actually home from ontario. quentin knows because he was house-sitting for my parents... bridget knows because she's bridget... (we've been talking on the phone lots today too... she got her hair done. it's striped blue, dark blue, pink, lavender, and some other colour i forget. apparently she looks like a peacock.) my roommates know because, really, they're my roommates... and captain knows now because i called him today and left a message on his machine. the other people who know i'm home don't live in the same city as me. i don't necessarily feel anti-scoial, i simply feel the need to ease my way back into the lifestyle of busy bustling friendships... so different from what i grew accustomed to in ontario. hm.
two interesting appearances occured today: a letter from titania and a phone call from ethan. i haven't heard from titania in about a year now. she's a grrl i dated briefly when i was 17, and we maintained a good friendship until our lives took dramatic turns and i guess we lost touch. she's been going through a lot of shit, as i hear from elana (her exgrrlfriend (and mine too. yay for the incestuous lesbian community)). it was a very brief letter, more art than anything, which is titania's style and to be beautifully expected. i wrote her back today. i'm looking forward to learning about her life and getting her back involved with mine.
so i was slightly weirded out hearing from ethan... i made the mistake of assuming he was extricating himself from my life due to our lack of communication the past few months... he is going to be in town on thursday or friday and wants to go for coffee and talk... i don't know what to make of all of this simply because i harboured some anger towards him but let it all go and accepted that he would no longer be a part of my life. so it's cool he still wants to be, i'm glad. but... it just feels weird. we haven't seen much of each other since we broke-up and i've only seen him once since he got married. so... i'm hoping you can sense it's just a little awkward. *shrug* i do look forward to seeing him again because he is a cherished friend and i love him. but i don't particularly know where we stand with each other... but his voice was reassuring and i don't have the time or energy to worry, it just all slides off and i'm happy. truly happy. it's this new thing for me to be so joyfully content at nearly all times of the day and i am in awe of these new found emotions. love it love it. i'm telling you, cornfields can heal your soul. |
|
|
| you do something to me that i can't explain... |
[Jul. 23rd, 2004|01:31 pm] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | indescribable | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | i miss you by incubus | ] | and now i am typing this from my very own computer. i missed her.
so i'm hoping you would all like to hear about my three weeks... but... i'm just so overwhelmed with the idea of trying to type out 21 days worth of memories, realizations, events and occurences... i'm just not even going to bother trying. i'll probably mention highlights and whatnot. but if any of you have specific questions about my trip, by all means, ask! i can answer specific questions better than the vague question i posed to myself... 'how was my vacation?'
seeing aidyn was incredible. like she said to me on tuesday night as we were drifting off to sleep "there is nothing else like a soul sister"... i agree. i cried so much parting with her though. it was so intense to see such a major person in my life for the first time in nearly a year and then having to say goodbye again the next day. *sigh* aidyn, darling, i love and miss you tenderly. always.
today is a taking it easy day. i'm suffering from a small amount of anxiety, just over coming home and changing scenery and missing the people i left behind and figuring out what to do with myself next. i've just been drinking lots of water (flying wreaks havoc on the immune system and drinking lots is a verrry good idea, fyi) and cuddling with scooter. my goddess, i didn't miss anything/anyone as much as i missed scooter!! he kept me up late last night wanting to play ball and wrestle and wouldn't stop licking my face with joy. it was adorable.
well it is nearly 2 o'clock and i have yet to get dressed and ready for the day... ahh. that fact alone is lovely. i'm moving slow and taking it easy. mmhm. hope you are too. |
|
|
| an update from pickering... |
[Jul. 19th, 2004|09:47 pm] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | the soft buzzing lull of silence | ] | look, it's a computer!
the place where i have been staying is quite literally in the middle of nowhere. and my grandparents do not own a cd player, let alone a computer. and that's fine, it's nice being so far away from these little bits of technology i've grown so accustomed to. but it is also lovely to be able to say hullo to the people i spend so much time thinking about... hullo.
right now i am in pickering, visiting with my expartner and radical soul sister aidyn. she has a computer. hence my grand appearance. i don't see her all that often as, when she actually is settled in one place, it is a place far away from me. i love her wild wind traveling goddess spirit. so i'm going to spend time with her now. i am doing good, learning a lot about myself in the expansive times i have spent alone in a cornfield.
i miss you maggie. <3
i will be home on thursday. but please don't expect to hear anything from me until friday or saturday; i need time to recuperate from my... vacation. |
|
|
| damn your eyes for taking my breath away... |
[Jun. 29th, 2004|07:25 pm] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | determined | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | damn your eyes by zap mama | ] | so last night was awesome.
i headed to the theatre early and did some deep breathing and yoga in the field next to the theatre, which was muchly needed and helpful. since i was early i got to greet all the poets as they came... and hang-out with april (the head of the pride committee and the womyn in charge of the event)... we had a dressing room. it was so fancy. but with leather couches i refused to sit in. until ivan sat down and so i had to sit next to her and i TOUCHED HER THIGH. we all chilled out there and jittered nervously and ivan and i practise the same way. she was sooo much fun to hang-out with! billay was glued to the computer and kept giving us updates of how the election was going as we all felt nervous enough to vomit and it was a pleasant distraction. at least i wasn't alone. he called it his form of crack for the evening. we were all so stoked over how well the ndp were doing!!
anyways. the event is called pride in the word, and this is the fourth year it's happened, and my second year performing and some of the other poet's third and quite a few firsts. but all of them were older than me and had been published. some had plural novels out and books of poetry and whatnot so that was intimidating. i was very quiet which is very unlike me and this nervous shy ball of jelly which is also veryvery not like me. *shrug* all that talent, freaked me out. and then april was going over the order in which we were to perform... there were two sets and she said she wanted a big finish to the first set and so had me and ivan be last. she put me in the same category as ivan. i performed before her, and we sat next to each other and when i got up to go on stage she whispered good luck. i nearly tripped on my face walking up to the stage, and ooh that would have been smooooth. but i did it!! i got up there and was a little jittery nervous but i didn't miss a single line... of the three pieces i had memorized, i managed to move through without a fluke. yay!! it felt so good when it was over. i got lots of folks introducing themselves to me and saying overwhelmingly nice things and i turn red when this happens, which is funny to my friends because i am generally the farthest thing from shy and uncomfortable around strangers. but when these people came up to tell me i did great, i would just smile big and mumble "thankyousomuch" and run away. it was comforting in itself that ivan was acting the same way. she was sooo nervous before the show it was great, i assumed someone as marvelous as herself at this sort of thing wouldn't have a problem with nerves... but i guess we are all not immune no matter how many performances or publications are under our belts. ivan complimented me. she gave me a great handshake and just said something about my performance being good but i forgot what she said as soon as she said it because the whole time i was thinking "ivan e coyote just complimented me."
the most meaningful moment came when a womyn approached me and told me i was amazing and that i had made her cry. how do you react to something like that? it was intense and felt so incredible to be able to evoke that sort of emotion out of someone.
captain couldn't make the performance which was temporarily heartbreaking to me since we practised together and he's my best friend and his pieces were so good. he is such a solid rock when i perform, he definitely helps my confidence and it was a bummer not having him there. i'm going to call him tomorrow and see what was up... apparently his pneumonia was acting up again. at least that's what his roommate said (sarah - who also rocks). she performed too last night and it was great.
my mom and dad and sister showed up... as well as my friends colin, robin, carla, anna and bridget. i didn't think bridget would be able to make it due to work, but she surprised me so and it was sweet.
okay. enough of that.
on to a new topic.
i am leaving for ontario on thursday. i will be gone for three weeks and will have minimal access to a computer and i will miss you all. *sniffle* now, i'm not making any promises, but if you are interested in receiving a postcard or letter from me, please leave your mailing address!! i love snail mail. so if i have the time while vacationing, i will write you. i believe it will all depend on how well i get along with my extended family and whether or not i will be spending more time with them or in solitude. regardless, if you leave your address, i will write to you someday..!
take care. enjoy every moment. |
|
|
| as soon as you're born you start dying so you might as well have a good time... |
[Jun. 28th, 2004|12:41 am] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | scared | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | sheep go to heaven by cake | ] | i am so nervous right now i've got the trembles. less than 24 hours till my biggest show yet. gah. but at least i practiced and have three of the pieces memorized and at last figured out what all i will perform. here it is.
first piece is ( littlerape ) which is slam and memorized.
second piece is ( heroes ) which i shortened and rewrote in some places since i last posted it. i like it better now.
third piece is ( street screams ) which i just don't know about. it's old. eep.
fourth piece is ( defiantsteps ) which is another eep.
fifth piece is ( untitled ) which is short and i have it memorized. huzzah.
last piece is ( good ) which is slam and memorized.
oh. my. goddess. the belfry fucking theatre. ivan e fucking coyote. i hope i don't vomit on my shoes. |
|
|
| we'll never have to lose it again... |
[Jun. 27th, 2004|02:30 am] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | tower of song by leonard cohen | ] | this is sort of an afterthought. i just finished posting my last journal entry and have decided to post something i'll be reading tomorrow, an experimental piece called 'heroes'.
i had a hero once. she was in the shape of an avalanche and i'd cry to her at night murmuring in awe of her capacities. she would lift me in thick breaded arms and soothe me, soothe me in ways no other hero could. her salt taste was to me exquisite and i became addicted to all of her moments. she felt so accustomed to my tears that her fear grew when they stopped. so to soothe her i kept it up for years until a depletion of all genuine emotion ransacked my body and i was left nothing but brittle bones. she sobbed and explained i was her glimmering heroine, a mountain, a breath she couldn't quite catch. i rose and fell like the ocean and once i caught a glimpse of the shore i saw her waving, so i began to wave too, centuries of poorly conceived ideals pushing me deeper into frothing foam. so she let me go. and i haven't had a hero since.
feedback? my other pieces will be slam poetry, so this sort of prose isn't something i do a lot. it came out of me this way though and i gotta trust that. |
|
|
| but lately i'm beginning to find that i should be the one behind the wheel... |
[Jun. 27th, 2004|01:02 am] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | determined | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | drive by incubus | ] | last night was such a sock rockin' good time.
quentin and i borrowed my parent's car so we wouldn't have to stall at every intersection in his beautiful piece of automotive crap. we had no real plans so i opted for adventuring and he decided to humour me. i whipped up some algorithm maps and we hit the road. the first one went like this:
8th right, 3rd left, 1st left, 3rd right, 3rd right, 7th left, you're there!
we started at the george and dragon pub, which was relatively far from any large bodies of water. (the problem with algorithm maps when you live on an island is if you follow them properly you will generally wind up in ocean.) and at the end of our first destination, we wound up at st. michael's university school, this terrifyingly classy private school neither of us had ever been to before. it was huge!! all these grand expensive buildings and lavishly landscaped gardens... we drove around the property in a state of fear because really it was no place either of us felt comfortable in. we ranted about the wast of space... there was this HUGE field of green (manicured) grass stretching on and on and totally vacant. imagine the kids that could play and the picnics to be had. *sigh* of course i had to acquire a souvenir so we stopped the car and i found an uprooted weed and took that. it was pretty but feel apart quickly. oh well. the next map went like this:
7th left, 3rd right, 7th left, 5th right, 2nd right, 4th left, you're there!
that lead us to victoria high school. weird, huh? i guess the universe wanted us visiting schools. we got out of the car and wandered around the property, got to see all the nifty graffitti art and visit with stray wandering cats. my souvenir was a chunk of bleacher... the bleachers seemed to be some sort of ancient relic, old and wooden and totally crumbling to bits and not taken care of. so i picked up a nice chunk that will serve as a shelf. then me and quentin had to pee so we did that in the corner. ah, us free peeing spirits.
on our walk back to the car who should we see wandering by but jess, callieanne and mikey, who were on their way to prism (our one and only gay bar). they got mighty excited when we offered them a ride because it would have taken them at least 45 minutes to walk there. we decided to join them at the bar, as we concluded that the map specifically led us to them and this was to be a part of the adventure. so we parked downtown and pranced and danced our way to the bar. callieanne is sooo cute. mm.
we got to the bar and damn it was packed because we had conveniently overlooked the fact that it was the kickoff to pride week (which lasts about two weeks here, heh) and there was a performance going on. we smooshed our way in though and hung-out and i ran into robin which was good because he rocks socks and i didn't get to hang-out with him the last time i meant to because i got sick. so we talked and he's coming to my performance on monday!! he already bought a ticket. aw. he's very supportive. and then i ran into carla and anna (cutest couple ever) and we all danced and then bridget showed-up all spaced out of her head on mushrooms, which was adorable because her eyes were so big and everything was amazing to her. *grin*
dance dance dance dance dance. and some dirty dancing with a cute stranger i later found out was named jolene. and i got her number and she got mine and we had a nice chat when we stopped to sit outside in a delightfully chilly breeze. so that was a marvelous time.
quentin and mikey and callieanne and me were getting tired so we decided to head-out but it took about a half an hour to get jess off the dance floor who was excedingly drunk and not in the mood to cooperate with anyone. carla and anna took bridget home who needed some looking after, so that was good... and we finally got jess out of the bar but she insisted on walking all the way back to the car barefoot. *shrug*
we dropped callieanne and mikey off at mikey's place and then continued on our long journey to jess' place, which was about a half hour away. quentin had all his cds with him so we were playing lots of neat music on the ride but nothing that satisfied obnoxiousdrunk jess who kept saying "yeah this sucks" every time we put on a different cd. the entire ride consisted of this conversation:
jess: "do you have _______?" (fill in the blank with any obscure band or musician you can think of.) quentin: nope.
repeat 3000 times.
it was hilarious and i couldn't stifle my laughter and no one seemed to mind my cackling as the conversation continued until we got to her house. then she preceded to tell us about the "best party ever" that would be taking place tomorrow night and we should come.
jess: here, the address is written on my arm. (shoves her arm at us.) (awkward silence) me: that says "pramy = kate". jess: oh yeah... kate.
and then she got out of the car.
so it was a good night in all. quentin and i went back to my place and slept lottts. now it's your turn to tell me about your friday night. |
|
|
| don't ask me why i'm crying i'm not going to tell you what's wrong... |
[Jun. 25th, 2004|06:24 pm] |
| [ | i'm feeling |
| | listless | ] |
| [ | i'm listening to |
| | letter to a john by ani difranco | ] | i'm at my parent's place. quentin's here. we're going to eat barbecued goodness soon.
i went to captain's place today to practise for the performance on monday... his pieces are awesome. plus he showed me a video poem he did a few years ago... also awesome. i'm so nervous over this. i don't like the concept of headlining. pffh. me and abba dabba doo, captain's dog and the second best dog on the planet (in my humble opinion of course...), cuddled up on the couch and he put his paws around me and pulled me close. it was so cute and comforting. mm. i haven't even decided what all i'm going to be reading, i have ten minutes up there, i'm not used to such a generous amount of time to share my words... i'm so scattered right now. i think i'm going to have an anxiety attack.
john's (one of my roommates) quote of the week: "i had three pots of coffee today. i'm buzzing like a humming bee. wait... that's not a thing." |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|